update

Time flies, and it is the last week of 2011's first month. CNY is up soon. Fingers crossed for it to be truly happy and erm, smooth. That's all we can ask of life.

It is a nice feeling being able to earn one's own dough. For once I feel in charge, and careful at the same time not to overspend any cent.

Still, there is a real risk that I may not make it this May, and the trepidation is... tremendous. While telling others not to let short-term jobs distract them, I'm now in a hole I've cautioned others against. Minus holidays and lazy-days, time is ticking, and 4 months look like a loaf of soft bread. 

On another note: a friend just broke another's heart, I heard... Never-ending tales of romances (puppy love?) and heartbreaks and whatnot. It seems a high task to ask of today's youngsters to be just friends with the opposite sex. Somehow, someway, they end up being valentines, or not. If cupids really do exist they must be sleeping on their jobs now.

I still maintain that 20 is an awkward age, being neither here nor there. Tapping on the stubborn door of adulthood after freshly exiting the adolescent period feels kinda weird in many ways. Nevertheless, this year is the beginning of more appreciation of life and youth. The formula? Plan a good plan and make it happen, no matter what, even if I have to do it alone. Life never waits.

High school girls are a curious and vibrant bunch; perhaps I have forgotten what is it like to go to school everyday and only worry about homeworks and the person next class. They seem to chatter happily away on any occasions on any topics; careless to some extent, but I feel envious. Some say they are the best because they don't age! Hence the saying, I suppose: fish for a fat fish using a long rod, simply meaning a long-term investment. 

And yes, she's pretty and attractive and very lively.

Bookmarks

Uninstalled and reinstalled google chrome.

I have been using it for quite some time now. Bookmarks are scattered everywhere. When my favourite basketball page failed to load for a week, it was the final straw.

I forgot about the many bookmarks though.

Realised it halfway during installation, and wondered how am I supposed to have everything back. An empty chrome came up, naked without my previous theme, not a single familiar bookmark in place.

Was quite grumpy about it, until they all came back, thanks to syncing!

Say, if we are relying so much on internet bookmarks, and we, or at least me, got all moody when they are lost, how much more if we lose friends and people and their relationships...

Update

Once again, fellow readers. I am happy to have you read this, especially it is the time of the hungry ghosts, this month.

It is quite certain that nobody can be liked by everybody all the time. Off and on, you will dislike someone and someone will dislike you. What must be done, however, is to avoid direct conflict and just smile as life passes.

I have never been a teacher's favourite student. Granted, my results are not totally bad. Nevertheless, as my dear old cikgu put it, 'Danial bukan budak jahat, tapi rupa dia tak macam budak baik!'

In short, my student life has always been in the intermediate. No more, no less.

At this point of my life, I want to change for the better. The way I see it, being a teacher's favourite is quite beneficial, now that we are in college and all. Many of the perks and privileges enjoyed by favourites are not readily available to non-favourites. And to be a favourite, it takes more than mere stellar academic performance.

It takes a personal relationship, preferably one out of the classroom.

I bear no grudge. I know what I must do, and top of the list is to work harder, namely start reading. I want my educators, both past and present, to be proud of me.

Ain't that what we all want from our old teachers?

Update

I arrived earlier in Penang today. It is not that I dislike staying at home, but at home, there is not much to do for myself, but tons to do for and with my family. I think I'm pretty selfish having this thought, especially after there is much need in the family I can help and fill in. Conflicting desires with a schedule to follow.

Watched 'Inception', great movie. The greatest part, the part that touched me, was when Cobb recognised and acknowledged the complexity of a human being. I think that provides a solid answer to all those technologies outside there attempting to make human practically God. Makes me marvel at the wonder of the breath from and of God, straight into Adam.

Oh, and my helmet got stolen. Would opt for the shades next trip, one helmet costs a little fortune.

Wrong

I have been wrong.

I led myself into this.

Confusing me, this life really is. Who are my friends? They change within a second. I wonder if the fault is upon me, this hard creature, 'a wild thing never sorry for itself' .

I'm not a lonely person. I would like to have friends. At the same time I like my peace. The balance is tilting to a far side at this point.

Gratitude Mr. Teoh, gratitude. As Yoda says, 'jealousy, the shadow of greed, that is,' .

Privileges showered upon, with the least of blemishes, yet this raging post, of bitterness and self-pity, shows its face. This should not be the case, or it is an insult to divine blessing from above, and to the individual on this earth.

Let's all end this cycle with a song. Lyrics provided to show the distinction from the religion, which the title is often associated.

Speaker's Square, Penang.

I went with college mates to this place, one and only in Penang, could be Malaysia as well.

When someone mentioned going, I was quite excited already. Going to a place like Speaker's Square seems out of place here in Malaysia, but it is a good thing to be able to say and do that, here in Penang. Besides, you never know what kind of speakers you will get.

Upon arriving there, I spotted my Gerakan friend among his comrades. They spotted us too, and before long, we were engaged and the awkwardness with the place disappeared. The weather was gloomy and it was drizzling, but more and more people came and gathered. The Gerakan group seemed poised to talk. I joked that it would take a really passionate person to exercise his right to freedom of speech with this weather around.

Although we weren't a big group, but it was fun listening to the people talk. The responses from the crowd were funny, and at times, rude, but it all made up the atmosphere.

Want to bomb also got limit 1.

1st person to talk.

My friend, Mr. Dalbinder Singh.

Devoted reporters and journalists, snapping and jotting down notes.

Spot the mat salleh ah pek??

The chatting was here and there.

One passionate uncle took the front page of a Chinese daily and pointed the words out, loudly. Together with his gang, they were rather rowdy, generous with their Hokkien and vulgar words.

To an esoteric, he or she would have spotted a familiar, but forgotten face, here.

I had fun and some real insight. Regardless of our political affiliations, school of thoughts and issues raised, I think the general opinion is that Malaysians are not up to that kind of standard of maturity just yet. Perhaps that explains the abolishment of the jury in our legal system? To have your immature peers to decide your verdict, be it civil or criminal, would be a nightmare.

The reason for this may vary, but the fact remains. I would think that education is seriously lacking here.

We raise an issue and shout and scream about it, but more than often, we do not understand that issue. Correction then comes from another person or party and, in their attempts to clear the air, created either more confusions or emotions to eventually lead to unwarranted clashes.

Most people just want to talk, or they want to hear want they want to hear. No one is listening properly, and almost certainly, no one has bothered to research an issue throughly enough, and any correction or rebuke is met with negative responses.

This is to the esoteric: Mak Minah there, in the picture, was present. She and her hubby suggested that the place, Speaker's Square, be scrapped since no EXCOs visit the place regularly.

I think the establishment of such a place is already a baby step in raising the maturity and awareness of Malaysians. As a youngster, it is relatively a better past time than your usual routine of online gaming and whatnot. To scrap the place is to be back at square one.

There were also claims saying that the place is merely a political agenda of politicians. Despite its triteness, people still do not seem to grasp the saying that politicians are politicians, and the ultimate goal of any politicians is to gain power. I doubt the existence of a 'kind and fatherly politician' . They will have their own agendas, because that's what they do. However, we as the people could control and subject them to responsibility and accountability, through our identity as voters. So, to me, *even* if the Speaker's Square is part of any political agenda, there is nothing wrong with it. The people want it, the people like it. And politicians usually do what the people want and like to gain support. So we ended up with a place where we can talk freely and exchange ideas and speak in the public because politicians build it, in their quest for power. Is it a bad thing? I doubt so. The voters are only fulfilling their function, and their function is to make them politicians *work* for power.

I'm already thinking of going for the second time.

Spat

We meet friends as life progresses. Friends at work, friends in-game, friends everywhere. Some enjoy the immense popularity. I quite enjoy it actually, it is such a nice thing to bump into familiar faces.

But the question is this: how many of these so-called friends bear the true meaning of the word 'friend' ?

I had a recent spat. We do many stuffs together and although our ideas and values differ in many ways, I still appreciate his companionship. With all the many couples running all around the place some more. You know what I mean.

Yet we had this spat. I suppose the main reason was the principle of one man's meat is another man's poison. He got really upset over that particular subject matter, when it did not really matter to me.

Nevertheless, I was quite hurt by his reaction. I did not expect it to be that intense and emotional. Heavy subject matter or not, surely friendship would contain such an outburst. Conscience stipulates that I have been very generous to this guy. I just think that people should try to contain, especially to somebody nice like me?

Is it true that there are people who do not appreciate others? Can be it true that all efforts at being a friend will eventually go to waste? Could there be such a being? If yes, have I met one now?

I believe in being friends and helping them. It may take some time for some people, but the ice shall melt in the end, I hope.

That is why I still tag this post under 'Friends', in a friend-themed blog.

But we look at the good old days and sigh.

Life is pretty upbeat for me right now. Late nights though, do allow some rue to seep in through the cracks.

For those who save their correspondence, have you ever pull out and read old MSN conversations?

It is quite fun actually, you get to see some progress from the past to the present. Some of them are so large the computer puts them in logs. If you have never brought your laptop or pc for a format, it is even better. All files intact.

Another thing about reading them is the date. It is not exactly the date of friendship. I view it as how long it is from the present, the longer the more nostalgic. At times it is simply incredible to just look at the date! How much time has passed!

Reading them open my eyes to the changes that have happened steadily and silently, in relation to the present. Mostly, I read the conversation logs of friends who are no longer the same now, and the past is thought of again and again. Some may no longer be on speaking terms, some estranged or simply gone to somewhere else. There is a lot of value in them.

Comparison is made. I think of the changes, and how we both never noticed it. Sometimes it is for the better, meaning we became closer friends. Sometimes our destinies decide to part ways, and our friendship couldn't sustain it. Regardless of any changes, I feel glad to see them signing in and staying online. It tells me that they are safe, may be happy. Life is still going on, while the life in those logs are forgotten.

Some of the conversations can really make me smile or laugh. They range from seriously good jokes to dirty amusement. Sometimes, it elicited from me a strong urge to reconnect with that person again, whenever possible. Always a pleasure to be able to accomplish that, but still, the difference is there, staring and glaring.

All the more reason to stay optimistic and bright, for the days are numbered. Our days are numbered. We would never want regret to be in those days, don't we? =]

Gatai

After reading so many blog posts by so many people, how can I not blog? =p

A few of our friends' blogs' addresses have been changed. I have updated them, check them out at the link list on the right.

Posts are coming at a slow but steady rate. Semua digalakkan untuk menyumbang. =]

Expecting Mr. Goh Kae Min's post to be extremely delicious and photo-rich, since he is going to climb the KK Mountain!

God bless y'all. =)

Life is fine, life goes on, and life is happy.

It all hit me when I allowed entrance, and together with it, weakness.

I had swore to myself, that I will keep up the front, that I will not be the weak one, that I will not be hurt if you're not. I did not expect happiness to emanate.

For once today, I really paid attention to the song playing, and its lyrics.

I want to feel angry. Let the rage pulse through and burn, incense myself, or something. I want to demand explanation, a voluntary one if it is possible. Yet I know, they are not the passage to your heart. I had never been in that passage, and I am not getting directions now.

I took a deep breath.

Maybe I did not read the signs. Heaven knows, God might have dropped a few hints, but I didn't notice. I did not read into the lines, nor did I thought that I needed to. I thought openness and honesty were virtues of our correspondence; I look stupid now. A heavier dosage was needed to make me realise, and your saying that you're happy and life is fine certainly hit its target. We did not talk, no, that was between you and him. I would rather you not telling me now. You did not seem to be lying to him either, nor were you being casual and careless. It was just the plain truth: life is fine, life goes on, and life is happy.

It is so easy to lose sight of one's value. I overpriced myself. My ego, now dust, blinded me.

I still think some blame should accrue themselves to you though. Even if you do not feel them. You are still young, fresh out of school, not even knowing what and how to go about your life. I have made myself clear enough, and you heard me. I did not leave it to you to make out ambiguity, but certainly, I did not expect to have them returned to me in such blatant fashion.

You should have known what to say, especially when I did not press for a hasty answer. Your replies are given time. Not thinking about the matter does not help to solve the matter. I was being too noble, too big, and you did not comprehend. God works through people to get His work done, dear. Things won't work out if they are not His will, and that will be the time we know. I know, now.

The damage is but collateral. I did not allow the problem to grow, or God didn't. Maybe in your perception, I am still the good guy who's doing well and happy, too busy to call, but still a friend. We're still friends. You're still waiting for him, same place and all.

Things are better this way I guess. The distance will serve as the cushion between everything else, anything sappy and whatnot. I kept my promise to you, and the distance is helping me. Keeping everything in check and balancing the scale of hearts.

God bless you. Remember to sleep early every night.

Reality

Once I wanted to be the greatest,

No wind or waterfall could stall me.

Then came the rush of the flood,

The stars at night turned deep into dust.

*

As we all can read, supra, the difference between reality and idealism.

Setting out from the beginning with nothing, all there is, hope and hope. Hope against the negative, hope for the positive.

Only to find the difference, sometimes cruelly and painfully.

There is a chasm. The bridge is nowhere in sight. Construction could take up a lifetime.

Standing across is Idealism waving.

A barrage of derogatory slurs seems quite good an idea here. Positioned against oneself.

Sigh.

Crazy

Moving into this stage of life, I now see the relevance of what we used to learn, and ironically, used to write in long essays for sole academic purposes.

They are not exactly academic now.

When we wrote about dysfunctional families, we never thought that somehow, it will happen to a friend close by, or even to ourselves. It should stay in the essay, never intending serious harm. Instead it is alive and kicking in life.

When we read about tragic romance stories, all they did was move something in our chests, or maybe fish out a tear or two. I guess it's normal to stare blankly at the romance drama revolving around our lives now, it's so common. Stare blankly, simply because we don't know what to do? How to react? All those questions, because we never expected them to happen in real life picture. Or our secret hope is that they don't.

It's all just so... crazy? Some of these situations, they don't have a cut and made solution. They are answered by questions, creating more questions, and I don't know, but :

' When people run in circles, it's a very very mad world... mad world... '

Something

When people say that people and things change with time, I do not usually believe them.

Some things are meant to last. Tampering with that belief, with doubt and uncertainty, will eventually lead to the concluded conclusion. So, in other words, what you believe within will manifest itself in your life and become reality. You have created your own existence with your mind.

Positively used, this power can change and improve the fates of nations. I see it a waste to use it to bind one's existence to a pathetic fallacy and further restrict any potential good.

At my age, everything is so uncertain. Volatile is the name of the game. People come and people go. Lovers come and leave stains, and they go on with life. Life carries every one of us and then separates us. We may never see a person again.

I never knew that Genting could be this cold.

Lies

'In this world of lies, you are the only truth.'

Show me the way home. You are the only way home.

Journey

Life is a journey, and I want you to be in the car with me. Having you beside me, the car is no longer a shell.

Why travel in solitude, when laughters are easy in your company? Just a smile would do to keep the journey upbeat, and it is never the same.

I don't need a secret place. The world needs to know about us, and no matter what I will let them know. Just make sure you let me know too, k?

Your hand I will hold, even with tears glistering on it. Your smile I will preserve, even with pain hidden beneath it. There is nothing about you I will discard.

The girl who accepts a ride on my bike will be my bride!

Neither my blog or my life is boring. It's just that sometimes I tend to solve things in my head and then couldn't be bothered to put it out here.

But still, a guy with a motorbike is certainly something to blog about, with regards to girls of course.

For those who missed out my story of my bike, here it is. =)

We were eating and talking until it was getting late. I volunteered to fetch her home, with my bike of course. It was a fair amount of distance, but I was confident. Only thing is, she wasn't. I talked about spooky taxi uncles and their weird habits, and she went straight to a cab and got into it, waving as the car drove away.

Baby are you down down down down down ...

Then only I realised that no girl, particularly in Penang Island, would want to hitch a ride on a bike.

Thinking objectively, the reasons are pretty obvious. The island is known for hazardous drivers with powerful cars, with little care for public nuisances like motorists. Not to mention the roads, hardly enough space to contain traffic. Surely a pretty lady wouldn't want to find herself in the middle of a dogfight-like maneuver, zigzagging between holes in the flow of traffic. Surely she wouldn't appreciate being horned at loudly and then have the driver responsible drive pass with a loud noise from the engine.

To put all their worries into one simple sentence: once the bike knocks something, you kena directly 1 wor.

You gotta admit, they've got a point here.

What about subjective reasons? I think they are the reason why the title of this post was liked by 16 of my facebook friends. People just like to speculate. Let me list out some of the things people said:

1) One of my classmates said that she is ok with it, and that her mother used to go around in motorbike too.

-Thing is, she was the first, and indeed the last, to say this. And she is in a relationship now. Told me that she is willing to hitch a ride if I don't make her a bride. =x

2) Coy. A wise old willow told me that some girls don't mind the ride itself; it is about the rider. They have to hold onto something during the course, and they are too shy to hold onto the rider. Not that I am repulsive or anything..

-Speechless about this one.

3) Some volunteered jovially.

Entering into the season, a car is increasingly becoming a must if you want to court some chicks. Sometimes the girls just come at you and all you have to do, Mr. Driver, is cast the net and the school is caught.

My point is, until I got a car, pretty much the status quo will remain.

Nineteen Years Old

After dinner I walked to the field. It was an impromptu decision; I could hear Marcus asking Mum where was I going, and Mum answering in the negative.

I walked forth and back in the field, not thinking about anything. After a game of Dota in many weeks my eyes felt strained with the game's progress and its various movements. I wanted to look far into the horizon, to look at the Malaysian hills in the distance, and let them relax.

Some of the young kids and their parents eyed me curiously. In their minds, somehow an adolescent should be quite away from this place, where their kids rule.

I kept my pace, now trying to soothe the pain in my stomach. I did not realised until then, but I ate quite a big plate of rice just now. The amount of my consumption is not of great interest to me now; during younger days I used to boast or compete about this topic, regarding it as some kind of personal accomplishment if I can eat more than my nearest competitor. Now, I eat what I can, or what I feel I can, with no such thoughts.

Lifting my head, I saw the ever melancholic, yet romantic evening sun, shining its few last minutes of rays before finally settling for the night.

I thought of past evenings, and their usefulness. How many of them have passed in my nineteen years of life, and how many of them have I truly appreciated? This of course, leads to the question whether have I utilised life.

It is the inevitable that my peers and I are fast approaching adulthood, being 19 this year; there are already some who could not wait for it to truly happen. I accept that progress with hope, anxiety, a little occasional cynicism, and with a tinge of sadness.

People will no longer call me young and ignorant. Instead they expect maturity and competence, or promising signs of it. Although I feel young inside, the heart ever ready to play and jump and the mind devising ways to manifest, people don't see it that way any more. Going onto 20 next year will surely require some adjustments and tolerance.

This is my last year of real youth. People who have more than 2 decades of age, I consider them adults and hence, 'old' . Despite this fact, there is no reason to tear, no reason to lose spirit. Instead it should be bright and hopeful, ready to shine and enjoy transient life.

Saying goodbye to those years left behind is not going to be entirely pleasant, but this is life and it is a must. I will choose to accept and venture with all positivism. I kiss memories goodbye, tuck them securely into a treasure box and walked forward with a new one, for surely adulthood is filled with excitements and new discoveries!

Shawty

Life is always a mixture of everything.

Life, to me right now, is pretty stable and all, but it is ticking like a time-bomb. Everything we do, we will reap its fruits in the future. Somehow, the things we do will get back to us eventually, and 'be sure that our sins will find us out' .

Laziness gets in the way and creates sadness and regret, unhealthy elements of life.

Sometimes, gratitude comes during a laze on the bed, or in between a conversation at a kopitiam. Surely life is just that simple, surely we as her living tenants know how to appreciate that!

If gratitude is a person, complacency and jealousy are his enemies.

Fang watching life passing by.

Take Me Home Country Road

I choose this title which is after John Denver's famous song. However, the reason is different with what the song meant, or so I guess.

Like what I said in my previous post, this Chinese New Year is ending on a quiet tune. Everything will set itself in again, studies, work, and etc. People will be leaving this little hamlet to places where they should be. This has had been how things were, and the Tiger year is no exception. Only the way of perceiving has changed, and the heart that withstands toughened.

Life is never just wine and song. It is pleasant to work and then eat the fruits of our labour, and thus it is pleasant to go back to where we came from and then back again.

I had fun during this week, and I am quite certain that my friends enjoyed themselves too. We sang songs and ate and drank as much as our young bodies can take, we joked and laughed. I am pleased to get to know several new faces too! Life doesn't get better than this, simple yet resplendent.

Now it is time to pick ourselves from the blissful hiatus and head back into life. God bless everyone, and may we sing this song again when we meet next time.

Almost heaven, West Virginia,
Blue Ridge Mountains, Shenandoah River.
Life is old there, older than the trees,
younger than the mountains
growin' like a breeze.

Country roads, Take me home to the place I belong.
West Virginia, Mountain momma, Country roads take me home

All my mem'ries, gather round her,
miner's lady, stranger to blue water.
Dark and dusty, painted on the sky,
misty taste of moonshine
teardrop in my eye.

Country roads, Take me home to the place I belong.
West Virginia, Mountain momma, Country roads take me home

I hear her voice in the morning hour she calls me,
the radio reminds me of my home far away
and driving down the road I get a feeling
that I should have been home yesterday, yesterday.

Country roads, Take me home to the place I belong.
West Virginia, Mountain momma, Country roads take me home

Sentimental. Too Much.

Sentimentality is not something most people treasure. Or maybe they just don't show it in public.

I often wonder about the connection between intellectuality and the tendency to be sentimental. The contemporary word is 'emo'. Its position is recognised when the bully in 'Tooth Fairy' shouted 'emo boy' at another boy. Back to my musings, does a student who is, intellectually, a science person, feel less than a student from the Arts stream? General opinion seems to hold scientific people to be numb and less wistful, or 'emo' . In the good sense they feel less nonsensical, sappy emotions and think more logically. In the bad sense, they are a robot.

Many ways to raise sentiments, but reminiscing is, I think, one of the best. Reminiscing about the good old days, now gone, and its simplicity. Recalling the friends who laughed together, and thinking about the reasons and factors why it is no longer possible to do that now, in the present. Wondering where some friends have gone to. Reminiscing. A little bit of good 'emo' music sets up the entire thing well.

There is a quote that I disliked, the reason being it totally defeats my definition of reminiscing: forget about friends in the past, for there are reasons why they cannot make it into the present.

To me, the past is something we have to hold on to jealously. The past is a method to differentiate time, and to detect the subtle nuances we usually ignore. And friends are alibis to this, unless you choose to terminate their contract. Only a cold, defiant person could attempt such a feat.

To me, cherishing the past means respecting the present, and yourself along the way.